What truly amazed me was how overt it all was — how clear the stakes were in Derek’s head. So Derek responds that he’s interested — very interested. I very quickly learn he’s an amazing kisser and his desire for me is undeniable. By the end XDating of the night he’s under my shirt, and surprisingly goes for my… He starts with caressing and then moves straight into what I would call worshipping it. I’m ready for a man to sexualize my entire body, not just my breasts or thighs.
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Every time I call him, he picks up the phone with a “Hey, good lookin’! ” I knew Andrew was different when I noticed he never, ever spoke about other people’s bodies. I’d never met a man who didn’t take cheap shots at others. He had this reverence for other people’s humanity that completely floored me. However, in working with hundreds of women over the past decade, I have found that there are some overlapping realities we tend to face when it comes to dating.
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I think this is common in straight dating generally, but there’s additional pressure for fat women to have sex or be sexual during the get-to-know-you stage. Identifying as BBW meant I could weed out men who hated fat, but I was faced with a new problem — I was attracting men who had a strong desire for fat that they didn’t want people to know about. I wanted a relationship, but again and again, I encountered men who saw me as sexy, but not “relationship material.” Their behavior clearly wasn’t about a lack of desire for my body. It was about something else, something that went way beyond me and my life. I mean, I had to hand it to Derek for explaining a mystical part of heteromasculinity that had heretofore been suspected but never, ever confirmed. Other men who were allegedly Derek’s friends would harass him if he went out with me, and in the cost-benefit analysis, they won.
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